Simple English ~ Nicola Prentis

Thoughts on ELT, English and whatever else comes into my head

The unhealthy Men’s Health guide to getting more oral sex

If Men’s Health Magazine can present as fact, supported by science of course, that a man who suspects his partner of cheating performs more oral sex, they’re providing women with a failsafe way to get more oral sex.

“You subconsciously perform oral sex more often when you fear your girl may be messing around, finds new research from Oakland University.” **

mens-health-magazine1

So there’s only one thing to do, right? Make your guy think you’re cheating. If you can get him to just the right level of insecurity, enough to make him “go downtown” more often, but not enough for him to start following you to work, then you’re pretty much guaranteed more oral sex. And, also, apparently “deep and vigourous thrusting”, if that’s your bag.

So, in tribute to the journalistic excellence of Men’s Health, here are  ” 4 crazy” ways to get what you want.

1)”Walk around more” because that suggests you’re actively seeking fertilizers for your eggs. As well as going out, going to work, shopping and living your daily life – all of which demand more walking – pace the room while watching TV, decline lifts when offered and take out the rubbish yourself. And when you’re tired from all that exercise, you’ll be even more appreciative of his increased oral attentiveness.

2) Work on your “openness, cleverness and outgoingness”. Personally I’d favour an adjective focussed attitude here – by the third “ness” I’m looking for the loch the author really should take a running jump into. So try being more open and outgoing. Wow him with evidence of how clever you are – maybe you could quote some incredible scientific facts about the mating behaviour of  “orangutans, lemurs, and short-nosed fruit bats”. These “personality pitfalls” all correlate with women that “get around” and hopefully equate to a much more rewarding sex life – not because he is attracted to the traits themselves but just because they make him insecure.

I had to seek the advice of another stellar post about how to tell your partner’s cheating for the next two hints. Luckily they were linked to from the first post.

3) Take care of your appearance. Buy some new clothes, especially underwear, make sure you always look nice, treat yourself to a good haircut and beauty products. There’s no way you might just be doing this for yourself – or for him – but who cares? The result is more of what you like in the oral department!

4) Put an end to that trust thing you’ve got going on where you don’t snoop through each others’ emails and texts. Make sure you end phonecalls when he enters the room, fumble with your phone and smile to yourself when a text comes through and put passwords on all your communication devices. Drop the name of male colleagues into conversation more than strictly necessary. Really feed that insecurity.

There’s a danger here though and fortunately I’m aware of it thanks to another one of Men’s Health’s linked articles.

Oral sex gives him cancer. “It can increase your risk of cancers of the tonsil, base of tongue, and back of the mouth—oropharynx cancers.” And it’s women’s fault. Our damn cervixes attract cancer and that same virus could pass to men on their visits “downtown”.

This is a delicate game you’re playing here; balancing his fears that you’re cheating against his fear of death. But since only a few of us have polluted cervixes – “Only about 1.5 percent of women have the HPV strain that typically causes it [oropharynx cancers]” stats are on his side.

Seriously now…

I had always supposed that Men’s Health Magazine was a good thing. A proponent of men learning about health, relationships, emotions, and that men and women alike would benefit from that. Maybe it once was. Now it’s a vehicle for disempowering both men and women as the logical arguments following on from its poisonous articles are that there’s something wrong in the relationship of a man that likes oral sex and that he’d be better off with a closed off, stupid, introverted girlfriend who would rather stay at home than go out and do anything.

There are enough cultures that require exactly this of women, it’s beyond offensive that this crap is being sold to young men in more liberated countries. Not that the magazine will care as all this is advertising for them and those who’d be upset are unlikely to be buying it anyway. All publicity is good publicity. I have no answer for that.

** I refuse to link to the article and provide them more page clicks. Markham Heid, the author, gets the wrong spelling of “bear” too…”bare with me” which is a sin right up there with the article itself. UPDATE, They fixed the spelling error. Waiting for them to take into account the rest of the research I found when I emailed the psychologist who did it.

11 comments on “The unhealthy Men’s Health guide to getting more oral sex

  1. LanceRomance
    February 8, 2013

    Cancer?
    I’ll quit smoking but I aint gonna quit doin’ THAT!

    • Nicola
      February 8, 2013

      You smoke?

      • LanceRomance
        February 9, 2013

        Nah, that’s why it’s easy to quit.
        I never assumed Men’s Health was better than any other magazine out there… we’re living in the “age of Maxim” now, which means there are no magazines for men, just magazines for mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging “guys.”

      • Nicola
        February 9, 2013

        Hahaha. I was totally sucked in by the “Health” part and never having seen large breasted women on the cover.

  2. Paul milnes
    February 13, 2013

    I started buying Men’s Health when it forst came out and it was very good – lots of stuff about nutrition, physiology, sensible attitudes to exercise and fitness, and so on. However, it wasn’t long before an obsession with abs and pictures of over-hunky men on the cover appeared, followed quickly by articles about sex, tenuously linked to health. (“Drive her wild in bed” – you know the sort of thing).

    I suppose this development was ratings-driven, but it’s still sad. On a brighter note, Rupert Murdoch is considering dropping “Page 3 Lovelies” – yay!

    Paul

    • Nicola
      February 13, 2013

      It’s not so much the kind of article you’re talking about that’s the problem, it’s the angle of this one I hated so much. Women’s magazines have been writing about sex for years and I expect male readers learn this way too.

  3. HenryS
    December 9, 2014

    Closed off, stupid, introverted…?
    Just what I was looking for.
    Tired of women who think they’re smarter than I.
    Even more tired of women who really are smarter than I.
    I want a woman who is just that: a woman. Not a buddy, not a quasi-momma, not all the things feminists think women are supposed to be. Just a woman.

    • Nicola
      December 9, 2014

      Are you also tired of women with better grammar than you?

      You also seem to have a vocabulary problem in understanding what feminism means. It’s simply about allowing women to be whatever they want. I hope a woman of low intelligence is the one you end up with so she’s less likely to realise what an idiot you seem to be.

      • HenryS
        December 9, 2014

        Yer jis th kine Ah ain luukin fer. Smaht, gits er rox awf kerektin minfokes. Probly kumplanez evah time mans fertse.
        Go pussi whup sums utha felah. Gitn yo plase wumin.

  4. Nicola
    December 9, 2014

    Works out fine then. I’m grateful that worms like you crawl out and make comments sometimes as it reminds everyone that you do still exist, no matter how much we might pretend otherwise. It’s safer with you out in the open where we can see and avoid you.

    • HenryS
      December 9, 2014

      Heh, heh. Pulled yer string, eh? I like setting feminists off.
      It’s telling that the fymynyst doctrine is that wymyn must have no less rights than men and men must have no more rights than wymyn.
      As it is impossible for two different but codependent and complementary subspecies to have exactly the same rights or much of anything else, fymynyst doctrine must of necessity demand that wymyn must have more rights than men = men must have less rights than wymyn.
      I do compliment you for responding to my jibes even by a rant rather than having a hystyrycal fit and blocking me. Perhaps there is hope for you. If I get the idea that you are open to serious discussion I will stop prodding you and treat you as a rational creature. If you give a care.

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This entry was posted on February 8, 2013 by in Thoughts and tagged , , , , .
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