Thoughts on ELT, English and whatever else comes into my head
If Men’s Health Magazine can present as fact, supported by science of course, that a man who suspects his partner of cheating performs more oral sex, they’re providing women with a failsafe way to get more oral sex.
“You subconsciously perform oral sex more often when you fear your girl may be messing around, finds new research from Oakland University.” **
So there’s only one thing to do, right? Make your guy think you’re cheating. If you can get him to just the right level of insecurity, enough to make him “go downtown” more often, but not enough for him to start following you to work, then you’re pretty much guaranteed more oral sex. And, also, apparently “deep and vigourous thrusting”, if that’s your bag.
So, in tribute to the journalistic excellence of Men’s Health, here are ” 4 crazy” ways to get what you want.
1)”Walk around more” because that suggests you’re actively seeking fertilizers for your eggs. As well as going out, going to work, shopping and living your daily life – all of which demand more walking – pace the room while watching TV, decline lifts when offered and take out the rubbish yourself. And when you’re tired from all that exercise, you’ll be even more appreciative of his increased oral attentiveness.
2) Work on your “openness, cleverness and outgoingness”. Personally I’d favour an adjective focussed attitude here – by the third “ness” I’m looking for the loch the author really should take a running jump into. So try being more open and outgoing. Wow him with evidence of how clever you are – maybe you could quote some incredible scientific facts about the mating behaviour of “orangutans, lemurs, and short-nosed fruit bats”. These “personality pitfalls” all correlate with women that “get around” and hopefully equate to a much more rewarding sex life – not because he is attracted to the traits themselves but just because they make him insecure.
I had to seek the advice of another stellar post about how to tell your partner’s cheating for the next two hints. Luckily they were linked to from the first post.
3) Take care of your appearance. Buy some new clothes, especially underwear, make sure you always look nice, treat yourself to a good haircut and beauty products. There’s no way you might just be doing this for yourself – or for him – but who cares? The result is more of what you like in the oral department!
4) Put an end to that trust thing you’ve got going on where you don’t snoop through each others’ emails and texts. Make sure you end phonecalls when he enters the room, fumble with your phone and smile to yourself when a text comes through and put passwords on all your communication devices. Drop the name of male colleagues into conversation more than strictly necessary. Really feed that insecurity.
There’s a danger here though and fortunately I’m aware of it thanks to another one of Men’s Health’s linked articles.
Oral sex gives him cancer. “It can increase your risk of cancers of the tonsil, base of tongue, and back of the mouth—oropharynx cancers.” And it’s women’s fault. Our damn cervixes attract cancer and that same virus could pass to men on their visits “downtown”.
This is a delicate game you’re playing here; balancing his fears that you’re cheating against his fear of death. But since only a few of us have polluted cervixes – “Only about 1.5 percent of women have the HPV strain that typically causes it [oropharynx cancers]” stats are on his side.
I had always supposed that Men’s Health Magazine was a good thing. A proponent of men learning about health, relationships, emotions, and that men and women alike would benefit from that. Maybe it once was. Now it’s a vehicle for disempowering both men and women as the logical arguments following on from its poisonous articles are that there’s something wrong in the relationship of a man that likes oral sex and that he’d be better off with a closed off, stupid, introverted girlfriend who would rather stay at home than go out and do anything.
There are enough cultures that require exactly this of women, it’s beyond offensive that this crap is being sold to young men in more liberated countries. Not that the magazine will care as all this is advertising for them and those who’d be upset are unlikely to be buying it anyway. All publicity is good publicity. I have no answer for that.
** I refuse to link to the article and provide them more page clicks. Markham Heid, the author, gets the wrong spelling of “bear” too…”bare with me” which is a sin right up there with the article itself. UPDATE, They fixed the spelling error. Waiting for them to take into account the rest of the research I found when I emailed the psychologist who did it.